we spoke seriously of meeting new people. making connections. dates. here it was, the side dish i'd been fantasizing about for years and now that the promise of a full serving became evident, i went yellow paralyzed with fear. for the first time i was speaking with the woman i was taking for granted for the last year. it spooked me. picture this.... a too pretty to be so pleasant girl wringing her hands and worrying about the unknowns in an equation she thought was all but set. she has needs and wants but is too content to muddle herself with extracurricular thoughts. they are there and she smiles to herself that she possesses this self-surprise ability.
i open doors. i don't know what to do to pass the time but i shut my mouth and i wait for the hands on the wall to tell me i've done nothing. and i grit my teeth and worry that another day has passed in which i've held fast against progress.
some time ago i enjoyed the upper hand. the knowing what i want and living a life without compromise. but now, my mouth open and running and her mouth closed, her eyes and ears content to watch and listen, why she shows her hand and it reveals that same desire to fly through doorways, i, a cripple, ruminate for the very first time that there exists such a prospect that she could leave me just as easily. it won't happen, can't happen but it's real just the same.
and how could i strive to regain the upper hand? pick another partner? and yet another after that to prove my prowess? i could stack them longways until their fingers formed a handheld bridge across the zoned-off, block-lined crosswalk? was i exploring all the things i wanted? or just going through the motions of an unmanned wrecking ball?
questions begetting questions and i was just as lost as when the episode began.
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